• Joe Winslow

Funnies


As we near year's end, I thought I would take a break from the serious technical subjects and try to make my readers smile. Here a three of my favorite jokes.

AutoCAD Monkey

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Manager."

Guessing Sheep

There was a man driving around in his Mercedes through the countryside, and spots a field of grazing sheep. He stops his car and walks up to the shepherd and says, "I'll make a deal with you. I will guess how many sheep you've got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take one of the sheep home with me. If I guess wrong, you get to keep my car."

The shepherd thinks for a moment and finally agrees.

"137," says the driver.

"You're right!" says the shepherd, and dutifully hands over the sheep.

The man begins to walk away, and the shepherd stops him. "Now I've got a deal for you. If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to keep your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep."

"That's a deal," says the driver.

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

The man was dumbfounded as he handed over his keys. "How did you know?"

"Easy," says the shepherd. "You come here uninvited, you tell me something I already know, and then you charge me for it."

Experience

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is!" The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark ... $1

Knowing where to put it ... $49,999


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